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Time:10:14 pm
so I abandoned this journal for years, dug it out for Fandom March Madness, and now I'm using it for comment memes/ontd. I probably won't ever use it as a real journal again. 
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Subject:maybe i'm just the horizon you run to
Time:01:03 am
and i hide in those old forbidden places, in the gardens, behind the swingset, under the snow drifts. you won't find me. that golden thread connecting us has severed. i cut it with my rusty pewter scissors and i left you to bleed out, alone. i should have known. my demons are relentless, nipping at my heels and howling at the flanks of the horses i'm trying to ride out of here. their bony hands tighten on my ankles and i'm tumbling down, down again, before you can march in with your army and bring me home. we're all dead but i think i already have one foot in the grave.

way down
way down
she knows

i know and you don't know that i don't love you but you still love me. i should remove words like "always" from my rhetoric. nothing lasts. what a shame that is... and my sticky soul is full of holes. i twist the knife and tighten the laces and i have to keep going i must i CANNOT. no one notices, not really, how close i'm standing to the edge. i'm afraid it wouldn't matter anyway. i'm too far gone. i wonder if within my personality, the possibility of happiness exists. if i changed my circumstances, would i feel so different? would i thaw out, melt, get your shoes wet. why don't you lie down here and let me love you and leave you. that's my greatest skill. i'm curling my eyelashes and sitting pretty and trimming the rosebushes. the thorns will draw the red but you won't feel a thing. relax, soon you'll be empty just like me.
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Subject:you're only real with your makeup on
Time:08:05 pm
I'm not sure what there is to live for. anymore. but not really, it's been like this for awhile, slowly getting worse, eating me out from the inside. the truth that i only have one reason and that's my family, at least i have some love. "is it enough?" i love him too but i feel like it's only a matter of time before that crashes and burns... i don't think he feels strongly enough to come find me, to do what it takes to be with me. he's not there like i need him to be. is there anyone else who feels this low, under fifteen feet of pure white snow. i'm cold i'm numb lust lust dreams sleep sing songs lullabies. i never get what i want. everytime i think MAYBE this is IT i'm wrong, just one dead end after another, one dream crumbled like dried out butterfly wings under your heel, dust, dead. it doesn't matter. nothing matters. there is no chance for happiness for me. ever. i might as well go sleep under the stars. or throw it all away and then know for SURE that i've got no good reason to be here. because you'll never hold me and you'll never kiss me and you'd get over me so quickly. your hands won't ever know the absence of my skin. i'll remove the obstacle and eventually you'll be much happier. i just never could recover. i've been lying through me teeth if i say i'm okay. i'm not. i'm not. i don't think i will be and i don't think i have the courage to do anything about it.
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Current Music:trust - the cure
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Time:11:14 pm
Current Mood:gratefulgrateful
i love you more than i can say.
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Time:08:49 pm
I guess I did ask for a therapeutic cry. Here it is. You've been a long time coming...
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Time:08:45 pm
I'm trying to type this short story but I'm crying so hard I can barely see. Fuck.
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Subject:the hurdy gurdy man comes singing songs of love
Time:11:19 pm
Current Mood:tiredtired
i need to find the courage to just do it. alternatively, i need a good therapuetic sob session.
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Subject:dreams that roam between truth and untruth
Time:09:46 pm
i think i may as well just renounce love.
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Current Music:the weeping song - nick cave and the bad seeds
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Subject:the candle, it gutters on the ledge
Time:10:17 pm
Current Mood:distresseddistressed
i feel like i'm exploding on the inside from all this love and lust with no outlet. i'm confused. i'm scared. i'm finally starting to thaw out, at least.

even if i never have you, or really know you, i'm pretty sure i'll always love you.
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Subject:breakfast every hour - it could save the world
Time:01:31 am
Current Mood:guiltyguilty
I've gotten exceptionally good at lying through my teeth. Pearly whites conceal black marks on the soul!
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[icon] i am the girl anarchronism
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